I Can't Shut You Out
by CCangel
Summary: Tom/Liz fanfic. One shot.


I Can't Shut You Out

The sound of a gunshot echoed throughout the room making time stand still for Tom and Liz. Liz stared at the blood seeping out of her husband and she couldn't move. All she could do was watch him as he staggered back against the wall trying to hold onto anything.

Liz snapped out of her trance when Red decided to finish Tom off. However, she couldn't let that happen. She still needed answers and there was a part of her that didn't want him to die. She did the only thing she could do. She lied and said she would finish him. Who was Red to argue with her if he believed they wanted to same thing?

As soon as Red left, Liz knelt to the floor with tears in her eyes. He looked up and she could see something of remorse in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he managed to say. She just nodded her head not trusting herself to speak. He reached for her mouthing words she couldn't understand at first.

"What?" she asked her voice cracking. He leaned in closer uttering words that would change her life forever.

"Your father is still alive," he said. He rested his head against the wall ready to give up. She blinked several times processing Tom's words.

"Tom," she said placing her hands on his face. "I need you to stay with me. I need you alive." She had a fierceness in her eyes that Tom recognized. "You can't die on me. You owe me."

He managed to chuckle. "That's my girl. Stubborn and bossy to a bone. I thought you were going to let me die."

She huffed before ripping off the sleeve of his jacket. "Stop talking. You need to save your strength," she demanded as she applied pressure on the wound. He covered her hand with his.

"Go. Red is waiting. I can take care of myself. I've survived worse," he said softly.

He saw the struggle in her eyes. He closed his eyes briefly trying to shut out the emotions he was feeling. He had to be the spy he had been molded to be.

Liz saw his mask go up the minute he opened his eyes again. "Liz…goodbye."

She stood up reluctantly and walked out of the room.

Tom forced himself off the wall hissing in pain as he did so. He slowly descended the stairs wishing he had support. Once outside the sun momentarily blinded him. He shielded his eyes before taking painful steps to the nearest payphone.

Minutes later, a black car pulled up and he got in. "Hospital," was all he managed to say as he slipped out of consciousness. His last thoughts were on his wife. Holding onto that image was the only thing that kept him going.

**Three months later…**

Liz showed up on the front doorsteps of his apartment. She knocked and waited. She absently rubbed her ring finger still not used to being without it.

Tom opened the door carefully before opening it wider. "Liz," he greeted. She gave him a brief smile.

"Hi Tom," she said. She walked under the threshold looking around. It was nice and clearly he hadn't lost his penchant for keeping a clean home.

She heard a thud behind her and whipped around. He put his gun in the drawer securing it safely.

She shifted her weight on one leg. "What were you planning on doing with that?" she asked. He tilted his head to the side.

"I can never be too careful. Although, it's pretty hard to kill a dead man," he said smirking at the end. Liz snorted. "He does think-

"Yeah," she said. "He doesn't suspect a thing. Continuing to hate you is not all that hard to do in front of Red."

A flash of hurt crossed his eyes. "Right," he said. Silence enveloped for a few seconds. Tom broke the awkward tension. "Why are you here?"

"To check on you," she responded. He gave her a look to continue knowing his health wasn't the only reason. "And…to get answers. I've waited long enough."

He narrowed his eyes. "I've waited longer for them. You can wait too," he snapped still stemming from her statement mere seconds before.

Liz let out a low growl. "If I recall correctly, you owe me. I saved your life." This conversation was going downhill fast.

"And I'm supposed to be grateful. It's because of you I'm in this position," he said his voice getting higher.

"Me? If you hadn't planted yourself in my life, then none of this would be happening. You are the one that alerted Red when you bought those fake passports. It's your fault our marriage imploded," she yelled.

He couldn't argue with her there. He actually loved his life with her. It was a far cry from being an assassin but he realized he craved normalcy. For a few years he got it. Now she hated him completely but his self-hate was stronger.

Liz could see the inner turmoil tormenting him. Maybe it was out of curiosity or instinct but she moved closer. He registered her presence and took a step back. She looked into his eyes trying to find some trace of the man she married.

"What?" he finally asked.

She struggled to ask _the_ question for a second time. Fear of hearing the same answer gripped her. She went for the easier route. "Sam. Berlin. What do you know?"

"Liz, I told you what I know," he said and moved around her and walked into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator searching a drink. She followed him her heels clicking against the hardwood floor.

"Not good enough. I have one man telling me my father is alive and another telling me he is dead. Neither of them I can fully trust and yet I need you both. Someone is going to give me what I want," she said firmly. "And don't you dare lie to me."

She crossed her arms over her chest challenging Tom to argue the point.

"I have been trying to figure out the connection between you and Reddington for years. Sam is your lifeline and I went to see him just to talk to him. Then I found out he died. Of course I was upset that I couldn't get what I wanted but mostly for you. You still loved him even if he wasn't the best father. When I saw Reddington I could have killed him on the spot but that wasn't my mission."

He could feel the anger bubbling just thinking about Red. "He has his claws into you and I still don't understand why you're drawn to him."

She ignored his last statement. "So you weren't going to kill my father?"

He shook his head. "Would I have tried so hard to get you there if that was my goal? I would have outed myself. No, I wanted Red. Not Sam. I wouldn't hurt you like that."

"You just hurt me by lying and pretending to love me," she muttered letting the words fly out of her mouth.

"You hate me. That's fine but stop bringing my sins to the forefront. I know what I have done. Is this how it's going to be all the time?" he asked showing his vulnerability.

Her eyes softened. She looked up at the ceiling calming herself down. "You want to know what the hardest part of this is, I care. I care a lot about you. I can't erase what has happened between us. It may have been fake for you but it was real for me. I want to shut off my feelings so easily and be cold-hearted as you. I still have feelings for you no matter how hard I try to dismiss them."

He didn't reply at first. She had the same broken look reminiscent of their first encounter after everything blew up.

Liz exposed herself more than she initially planned. She didn't want to look him in the eye anymore. She turned her back and headed for the door.

"It wasn't just a job. I said that to make you angry enough so you would make a mistake. I needed to get out of there. I honestly did not want it to work out. I did feel sorry for you. You really were this young, sweet, vibrant woman who thought she found the love of her life. Somewhere along the way I fell hard for you. I worked to be the man you thought you had. I don't know when I stopped looking at you as a job. I started seeing you as my wife and I wanted to make this life with you. I loved you and I still do. I know things will never be the same between us. I can't shut you out of my heart. I don't think I will ever be able to."

Liz let out a ragged breath and wiped her eyes. His words cut deep and opened up a barely healed wound. She turned around all her emotions clearly written on her face.

"You still love me?"

"I do," he said softly.

She was about to say something when her phone rang. "Red," she answered. Tom guessed he must have asked where she was. "I'm looking at apartments. I can't keep living with you and Dembe." Her conversation lasted another minute.

"I need to go," she announced. "I'll see you soon."

He walked her to the door. She made it halfway down the steps and stopped. "Tom I-

"I know Liz. One day I hope I can win your heart again. Honestly this time," he interrupted. They smiled sheepishly at each other and he watched her go to her vehicle.


End file.
